A life story by Roselia "Rose" Macaraeg de Vera (1943-2010).
If you want to download her article, please click the link: Rose Life's Journey.doc

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A few pages from my life’s journey.

Roselia “Rose” Macaraeg De Vera

May 20, 1997

Dear Lord,

Good morning !!! What a beautiful day. The sun is shining brightly welcoming me with a warm embrace. It’s hard not to find hope in this new day. Oh, how I feel secure.

Come to think of it, I almost forgot that the best things in life are free. And they all come from you my Lord. The air, the sun, the rain … all of nature … everything. Now, I have to say thank you. When was the last time I said that? Of course, it was yesterday.

I woke up one day and realized I’ve missed a lot in life. Not for any reason but myself. I allowed circumstances to take me where I am right now. I forgot to struggle and bear fruit.

Today, I likened myself to a barren tree – useless and old. Ready to be cut and thrown into the pit of nothingness but my soul is shouting … no not yet. God has still plans for you in His own time … be patient. God loves you.

I am not passing blame on anyone for what I had become. I am held responsible for myself. God created me intact. He gave me wisdom so I can choose the path where I can be me. But my choice is not always the best ones.

I am like a leaf blown by the wind and stays wherever it falls. I never struggled to go against the course of life … to draw a map of my own.

I am a failure unless I admit this with all humility, I shall not succeed.

It is in the realization that we could start to untangle the knots that hindered our progress.

To gain dignity you must be your own person … independent emotionally and above all financially.

Lord Jesus Christ please take me out from my shell and lead me to the path where I can be of use the most.

Man’s “will” burns down too soon … ironically, when it is needed the most.

July 03, 1997

My very own definitions:

Loss - My mother. Irreplaceable. Gone forever.

Regrets - Things left undone. Words left unsaid.

Greed - Having so much yet not wanting to share. Having too much more than one can chew.

Honesty - Baring all. A rare gem.

Ambition - A “fire” within.

Life - Hard to define. Easier to show … Action defines love.

Sorry – Empty words that soothe not the pain of the aggrieved but the word that eases the guilt of the offender.

Poor – Wanting for more.

Rich – Having much much more.

Generosity – Sparing when one has almost nothing.

Vacation – A time to spend.

Husband / Wife – Someone to love or someone to bear.

Son / Daughter – Blood and flesh.

Fidelity – Faithfulness amid temptations

October 04, 1997

My thoughts have wings … they take me unto the boundless skies.

Wherever, whenever I want to be and all for free !!!

October 05, 1997

Down, down, down goes the peso. Up, up, up goes the dollar. Tighten your belts shouts the peso. Loosen your belts echoes the dollar. It’s not the time to be merry wails the peso. It’s not the time to be sorry retorts the dollar. What’s the big deal, ask the pound. Is not life made of that stuff?

Yeah, a roller coaster chorused the three. Isn’t it fun to be up and fun to be down? It is, it isn’t !!! It is, it isn’t !!! That’s what it is, again said the three.

I print the thoughts of man in case the memory bank is robbed of its deposit by unseen enemy.

I print these thoughts on sheets, most clean and white. So again, these thoughts won’t be robbed by time.

I am a ball pen.

October 06, 1997

In a barrio not too far, hills, valleys and mountains surround the abode nearby.

With the trees, watchful eyes and sturdy arms, wild winds and raging heat were forbidden to pass by.

Only the gentliest breeze and sun’s warm rays were allowed to drop by as the birds, to the child sing sweet lubbaby.

Time went swiftly by, nurtured by love and care grew a lady young and fair.

Youth beckoned and she bade goodbye. Soon years came rolling by and oblivion eclipsed the days gone by.

But like a prodigal child, the path she traced back but alas, the hills, valleys and mountains she no longer can tract.

Mankind had abused them. Mutilated their being and were laid bare.

This she could not bear. From her eyes a many tear fell but it’s a story she has to tell.

If I could stop the hands of time, I should have done it when I was young while life was simple and lot of fun.

When we were young and the night was cold, we felt the heat and not the cold.

Boredom is a word that should have not existed because there are so many things man can do and must … in this world.

Too late … when time runs dry, it’s time to say goodbye.

Blackout … I see the light and not the darkness.

October 08, 1997

Faith

When I sought the Lord,

I found Him right on earth.

When I knocked at His door,

He opened it.

When I asked for miracle,

He granted it.

My Lord is a living God.

So powerful and mighty.

In Him nothing is impossible.

My husband got well.

With God’s mercy

With God’s power

With God’s miracle !!!

P.S. God has little assistants too, like Nonoy who shared God’s herbals and casually reminded us about the power of prayers. And I prayed, prayed and prayed … day time, midnight and dawn.

Oh, what a classic irony !!! In youth, our body is willing but our spirit isn’t. In old age, out spirit is willing but our body isn’t.

For each day that comes my way… lots of thanks, praises and prayers to you my Lord everyday.

October 09, 1997

“El Nino”

It has been repeatedly announced and written that the worst weather condition will hit globally. There will be extreme floods and droughts never been experienced in the past over a hundred years,

That’s a grim scenario for a tropical country like ours. This very moment, I can feel the biting heat right in the comfort of our living room with electric fan to boot. Indeed, the El Nino phenomenon is sipping in.

My thoughts wandered in the vast farmlands of Mindanao and at our humble piece of land. My concern is on the trees. My mother so lovingly nurtured till they grew sturdy and tall. That farmland is a legacy that binds the family and keeps the memory of my loving mother burning alive.

But no matter how grim the inevitable phenomenon would be, I have not lost hope. I believe in God’s mercy, power and miracle. God has many surprises to his obedient children.

Let us not wait till the worst has come before we fall our knees begging for His mercy, power and miracle. Let us do it now. Let us ask and pray.

Let us be reminded though, that this phenomenon is not the doing of our God. God loves us. He does not want his children to suffer.

The wrath that we have been receiving are caused by mankind because of too much greed.

Let us admit that we are not good caretakers of planet earth. We invented and patronized countless things that contributed to the destruction of our environment and the ozone layers. We plundered almost everything in sight – hills, valleys, mountains, lakes, rivers, seas, etc. and resculptured God’s creation to satiate our hunger for power, money, luxury and the good life.

At glance, we seem to have succeeded in quenching our thirst for those things and thought that we are headed for the good life. But unknowingly, our utter disregard for mother nature have sowed the seeds of disaster. And now harvest time is here once more.

In the midst of reaping, I hope all of us shall have had enough of the bitter pill that will teach us our lessons.

Though it’s rather too late, I suppose that’s better than not realizing at all that we have transgressed beyond the limits.

October 10, 1997

Relationship

Relationship is fragile. It can easily crack.

Time and distance build up the pressure then it erupts.

Two hearts falter. Soon the heat of summer turns cold.

Freezing the feelings to a halt.

Days grow lonely. And the nights too cold.

Minds wander and find someone to hold.

When dawn breaks another day is born.

Giving hope to feelings reborn.

When I’m Gone

It’s not the time to send me flowers.

I can’t smell them anymore.

It’s not the time to write me letters.

I can’t answer them any more.

It’s not the time to give me cards.

I can;’t read them anymore.

It’s not the time to say sorry.

I can’t appreciate them anymore.

It’s not the time to say praises.

I don’t need them anymore.

It’s not the time to say I love you.

I can’t feel them anymore.

It’s only the time to be silent.

And to pray, pray, pray.

And perhaps the time to shed.

A few tears, as to me you say goodbye.

Advice To The Youth

Make a personalized map.

And determine what you want and where you want to be.

Know when to begin and where to end.

Prepare alternate route and rest points too.

As you go on with life and double your stride,

Be cautious as you strive.

Avoid potholes and pitfalls that might cause a great fall,

And ends your dream as a whole.

When you’re weary and tired,

Take a rest and later keep abreast.

As you get nearer to your goal,

Don’t be tempted at all to speed up and sacrifice results and all.

Little mistakes cause man to stumble and fall

And past gains are nothing after all.

When you’re down, don’t pack and turn your back.

Those are just life’s setback.

Your goal is at the top, so never give up.

Keep going and be tough.

P.S. I just hope somebody will pick up my piece of advice. I am a classic example of a person without such a map. I just went on with my life wherever and whenever I want to be or wherever and whenever others want me to be. Soon there were knots and tangles and allowed them to grow in numbers. Now, it became a trap.

I feel like a bird in a cage wanting to fly, but cannot. I feel like a pig in a pen waiting to be fed and fattened. This is wrong. God, I’m sure is not happy in the way I used the gifts he gave me.

I know I can do so many things, yet, I’m not doing them. I know I can be somebody, yet, I’m nobody.

October 11, 1997

Friends come and go but flesh and blood refuse to go.

October 12, 1997

Lord, please have mercy on your people who struggle so much for so little.

October 13,1997

Money does not grow on trees. We have to labor to find it. I have not done my share. I think I’ve been unfair.

I thank God for the experience of rising ahead of the sun. Toiling from dawn to sundown under the heat of the sun or in the cold of pouring rain – to me that was fun !!!

Thank you Lord for the changes in my life. From waking up very early at dawn, you let me linger on. From rising ahead of the sun, you made the sun rise ahead of me.

The light of the Lord keeps me going as I walk the long, winding rough, roller coaster like road of life.

The Lord is always with me, for his most Holy Spirit is within me. Right in my heart. He is the very core of my existence. The reason why I’m still alive … very much alive. Lots of thanks and praises to you my Lord. I love you.

In times of uncertainty, I fear not what lies ahead because God is by my side, ready to catch me when I fall.

October 15, 1997

Thanks

I want to thank God first and foremost for making me a part of his great master plan.

Then, to my parents who brought me into this world and reared me with lots of love and care according to that plan.

There are brothers and sisters too, who provided my fair share of laughter and fun, as well as relatives of whom I am fond.

Then came the man with whom I made the vow of “For richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, till death do us part.”

Soon a fine son came. He grew up and took a nice bride, completing the cycle of life.

Now and then, friends come and go and strangers who are always on the go.

Thanks to you !!!

November 11, 1997

I only pass once in this beautiful world created by God. I don’t want to be among those that made it less beautiful.

February 14, 1998

Valentine’s Day

Love does not choose time, place and day. Everyday is a valentine day especially to people who give God a space in their hearts because God is love. Love is a universal feeling. It is not confined to one particular being or object and it is possible to love almost everything in varied degree, anytime everyday.

So why do we have to celebrate valentine’s day? I guess for varied reasons:

1. Economic – It is a good day to activate business. In this material world, to many, love is best expressed by something tangible.

2) Reconciliation – As one ekes for survival, love takes a backseat – get lost, buried by distance, long hours of work, problems, etc. and that one special day is a warm welcome to do the magic of recapturing those crazy old feelings one had for the other.

3) The last but not the least, love is the best reason to celebrate because love is man’s greatest weapon in combating just about anything in this world.

Remember, where love is, there is hope; where there is hope, there is light; where there is light, there is life; where there is life, there is love. Happy valentine’s day !!!

February 28, 1998

Like rain, God’s grace falls anywhere on anybody whether he asks for it or not. But the irony of it all, only few notice it when it falls, unlike the rain.

August 15, 1998

What matters most is what matters to God. He is the judge of all judges, unless we pass his judgment, we can never reach home.

Lord please lead us to the path that can take us to your home which is the final destination of all weary travelers of planet earth.

1998 (Month / date not specified)

A Word Of Wisdom on Crises

When crises hit our lives, let us not despair. Instead let us make this an opportunity to be inspired spiritually and get closer to God, who is the very reason for our existence. He willed us to be part of his grand plan. So, wherever we are at the moment – up or down, let us be as grateful, as hopeful, as joyful, as cheerful as ever, for what we’re going through is part of our existence in this world. The trials that we mankind go through are good for our souls. Materialism which has characterized the planet earth for so long has hindered the purification of our souls.

Indeed, this is the time to praise God with all our being for truly He loves us. Instead of worrying on things that we can’t change or control, let us concentrate on those what we can do something about.

March 2006 USA (Thoughs in America)

A Pilgrim

I am just a pilgrim in this world. Nothing is permanently mine.

At the end of my journey, I leave everything behind.

I have to loosen my grip on things material.

And focus a bit more on things spiritual.

I know God is after my heart

The rest that I have matters not.

I’ll heed His call to serve and love one and all

And Him above all.

I’ll face my maker with empty hands

But with heart so full.

Up there, to me He’ll say,

My child, you’re rich not poor.

Life is a journey. It doesn’t matter how long or short it maybe … what matters is how well you spent your time in that journey with God, family, friends, strangers.

Each day is a gift from God. Embrace it with much passion. Live each day as if it’s your last. And don’t forget to love and thank God with all your heart, mind and soul.

To God each day I pray, please give me another day.

God created a perfect world. It is only us who made it imperfect because of greed. We did not respect mother nature. Now, we are reaping what we sow.

If only man could live simply yet fruitfully, this world could have been a paradise .. a beautiful temporary destination before we finally go home to our maker.

In whatever situation you are in, just keep on loving, believing and trusting God … for it is there where you are judged the most. Keep the faith at all times … never waiver. God is always beside you – all you need is call.

When your journey gets too rough, give the driver’s seat to God … and you are safe. God is in control. Have a grateful heart for everything big or small … give thanks to God for all.

Lord, I am not perfect. I often say, do or think about things that are not pleasing to you. Please accept my admittance of my weakness with regret and humility. May you guide me each day to be less imperfect until I become the person you want me to be.

Let each day be a beautiful journey with God … following His will, not yours.

A day spent doing good for others is a day well spent. Let a light in this world … let there be peace, love and joy within you at all times. Care for the elderly the way you want to be cared for when you grow old -- with love, respect, compassion, devotion.

Always seek to understand the elderly so that peace, love and joy will reign in their hearts. Life is all about love. With love, everything else follows -- understanding, patience, tolerance, forgiveness.

February 14, 2006

There is so much to see if only you try …

Peep through the window or door and sit by.

Sunlight so bright and hues in the sky …

Beautiful flowers and palm trees so high.

Leaves cascading by the rhythm of the wind …

Caught in the arms of grass so green.

Perching birds to you they sing …

Sweet lullaby and cheers they bring.

All these and more cost not a fee …

From God to you He gives for free.

So why not peep through the window or door and sit by?

Note: I composed this poem for an 82 years old lady I met who just stays in bed the whole day though she still can walk. She simply doesn’t care about the outside world.

May & June 2006 (Davao City)

The world needs … Peace not war

Love not hatred

Joy not sadness

Unity not discord

Order not chaos

Humility not arrogance

Compassion not spite

Cooperation not competition

Light not darkness

Hope not despair

Health not illness

Wealth not poverty

Above all, it needs almighty God, not the devil.

To achieve these we must mend our ways, live within the realm of God – obey His commands and follow His will, not ours. For at the end of our journey, God is our final judge. He decides who deserves an everlasting life and be at His kingdom.

Relationships can be saved – if you can only “hate the wrong done, not the person who has done wrong.” Remember … God hated our sins, not us who have sinned.

I am not perfect to my Lord. Each day I say, “And to him I pray, Lord please look upon me with mercy and forgiveness.”

Peace is a state of mind. In the midst of a tumultuous world, one can still be at peace if he chooses to.

Trials are blessings in life … they teach us many lessons.

After darkness, expect the break of dawn – a new day of hope reborn.

Focus on what you still have – than on what you have already lost..

Life is a journey, let’s make it a beautiful journey with God. Life is a journey that needs company. Let it be God that holds your hand.

A lonely pilgrim that’s what I am … sometimes, in the midst of teeming people, I’m almost with no one. Ill health is a lonely world and never fair, for it’s something you can’t share.

Life is a gamble … winning and losing sometimes. Life is a stumble – rising and falling at times. Life is about winning and not losing. Life is about rising and not falling at the end. Warning: Play your life well, play it within the realm of God not the devil.

February 2007 (USA)

I have nothing to be proud of

I did not come into this world on my own

God willed that I be born

What I am is God’s gift to me

What I have become, comes from that gift

What I have, comes from what I have become because of what I am

Nothing of what I am

What I have become,

And what I have is truly mine …

They’re all from God.

I have nothing to be proud of except …

Being chosen by God to be part of his grand plan.

Nothing in this world lasts forever. Capture the essence of everything while you can. They do not last long. They are not here forever.

Oh days !!! Why are you taking so long. Don’t tarry, I’m in a hurry to be home in my country where I belong.

“O aking panginoon, sa iyo ang aking panalangin noon at ngayon na sana ang awa mo ay sa akin nakatuon.

March 09, 2007

The battle is on … one more time. Today, after two years in remission, cancer has declared war against me once more. Now, I am faced with the greatest battle in my life.

My EENT doctor told me, “This is the final one. We have reached the tip of it.” To her it seems a futile exercise to duel with the enemy. On the contrary, my oncologist for chemotherapy sees it as a fight with many options and possibilities. Two opposite views – positive and negative. But as the saying goes – “It ain’t over till it’s over.” And if you are going to ask me who I think will prevail, I like to say – me !!!, but on second thought, I rather say, “I’ll put up a good fight and leave the rest to God, for He alone knows.

Being afflicted with cancer is not easy. To many, it is synonymous to death. Fortunately, the first time around, I never felt that way. The truth is, I didn’t take my illness too seriously. I even thought I was winning the battle until I felt gravely ill and was reduced to a walking skeleton. I was 69 pounds then. At that time cancer might have succeeded in destroying my physical body but not my spirit. With God’s mercy, power and miracle, lots of prayers and months of chemotherapy and radiotherapy from November 2004 to March 2005, I was on the road to recovery.

Seven months thereafter, on October 29, 2005, Jimmy and I left for the United States and came back six months later on April 22, 2006. Routine check-up showed that my cancer was still in remission. We left again for the United States on August 27, 2006 and came back February 12, 2007. This time, my routine check-up revealed a recurrence of my cancer in the malignant stage that reached the base of my brain. I feel different this time. I know I am in a very serious situation. As a matter of fact, when I asked my oncologist for radiation, for a brutally frank answer to my question on how long would I live should I opt not to undergo further treatment at St. Luke’s Cancer Institute in Manila, looking straight in my eyes – she said, “Honestly, six months to one year.” That was a shocking revelation, but not enough to jolt me to cry a river – not a tear fell – maybe it’s because I have long come to terms with my illness.

There are so many things that run in my mind. I rather keep much to myself – cancer reminds me about my mortality. It dawned on me that life is so fragile and could end anytime. It’s easy to say, “Oh, it’s okay, everybody dies anyway.” But if it’s already “me” who is faced with the possibility of dying, to be honest, it’s no longer okay.

Life is beautiful. It’s wonderful to be alive. At this point though, wanting to live is not for any other reason but family. Death means permanent separation from all my loved ones. That is the hardest part to deal with. And the irony of it all – at this state, I wish to do so many things. I want to do this and that and be this and that. It’s frustrating.

My concern is for my loved ones to be okay financially, psychologically, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. It’s crazy, it feels like everything depends on me. Hence, I still want to do something more no matter how little it maybe and make a difference.

I hope and pray that God will grant another miracle and heal me and give me more time to serve His purpose for creating me. I want to reach out to people and share my life’s journey with them and remind them to “Keep the faith… trusting and believing God in whatever circumstances they are in. That they must love God unconditionally with all their heart, mind and soul.

March 17, 2007

Open Letter To All Able Bodied And Healthy People

First, acknowledge God’s grace of good health on you.

Second, realize that you are indeed a bunch of lucky people – free from disease, physical pain and agony.

Third, remember that life is full of surprises. You will never know what will happen next. So, while you can, grab every opportunity that knocks at your door or go find them and do your best.

Fourth, don’t be afraid to tread the uncertain road. Unless you do it, you will never know what lies ahead. Who knows a pot of gold is there for the taking? And if isn’t so, the experience will teach you valuable lessons, makes you wiser and more prepared for the next expedition.

Opportunities are limitless and the world boundless. Don’t tarry. Grab them now – today not tomorrow. It might be too late. Good luck.

P.S. Be reminded that above everything, our almighty God comes first. Let us not forget that He is the creator and supreme ruler of this universe and we are his children. We belong to God. We must love Him with all our heart, mind and soul. So, as we go on with our life’s journey, we must pray and ask Him to guide us and be with us every step of the way.

March 19, 2007

A Time To Change

First world countries focus on money. Third world countries do not.

That’s the reason why majority of us remain very poor. We have slumbered for so long – pretending that money is not important in life, yet our problems pile up because of lack of it.

It’s time to change our attitude towards money. We live in material world. Life can’t be sustained without money. The truth is, our life on planet earth revolves on money, money, money.

So, why not focus on it? While it is true that money is not everything and is not the answer to everything, but it’s one of the most important thing, if not the most important one … after our almighty God.

March 20, 2007

I am putting my thoughts in print because I want to share them with anyone who might be interested to learn from it. I’m not playing “god” here and saying this the “gospel” to be followed.

My intention is to let it serve as a “little window” to peep through and perhaps see beyond and learn from it.

Money is something I don’t dwell on and worse write about because it was the least of my concern before. To me, money was not that important until cancer invaded my body.

My illness spells money … lots of it. That changed my perception about money and a lot of other things. I realized that life revolves around money. Without it, there’s no way to survive.

The very nature of life which is laden with uncertainty and unpredictability should motivate us more to have it. And the best way to prepare responsibly is to have money in abundance, if you can. From my experience, I must say, having not so much money was the worst thing that ever happened in my life.

Cancer has no mercy. It does not choose its victim – anybody can be hit by it. Its motive is to ravish everything… pocket, mind, body and spirit. I used the word “worst” because cancer victims are cautioned not to think about problems, not to worry, not to be stressed, etc. But how can one without enough resources not think or feel otherwise?

Of course, I can’t expect everybody to understand and feel what I’m going through. Only a cancer victim can understand and feel how it is to be a cancer victim.

I am not writing this to gain sympathy. I’m writing this to help others to be more prepared for any eventuality.

If it is within my power to wish and make it come true, it will be for all illnesses especially cancer to vanish from the planet and let only peace, love, joy good health, financial prosperity and high level of spirituality reign in this universe with God in the midst of all.

June 2007

In the midst of life’s storm

I stand strong.

With God by my side

How can it go wrong?

No fear, no tears

Though the battle is fierce.

Nothing breaks me. My God is strong

He shields me when things go wrong.

June 03, 2007

Home at last. Allen and I are home at last after almost two months stay at the 17^th floor, P40,000 per month condo unit within the

compound of St. Luke’s Cancer Institute, just across the main entrance of the hospital.

We left for Manila April 19 and had my first daily high tech and rather expensive radiotherapy April 22 and ended June 1.

I was already in bad shape when I went for treatment because Jimmy and I were vacationing in the United States when I felt ill on the last week of November 2006, but had to wait for over two months for our scheduled trip back home on February 10, 2007.

Undergoing radiotherapy treatment for the second time was not easy. I became weaker each day. I could hardly manage to walk. Allen had to push me on a wheel chair from the ground floor of the building to the hospital. Dressing up for the daily treatment was a struggle. I just didn’t feel good – could hardly eat, was forever dizzy, weak and exhausted. Thank God, I’m home.

July 2007

After undergoing the routine medical check-up – CT Scan, X-ray, liver, kidney, ultra sound and blood test, my oncologist for chemotherapy suggested that I undergo a massive three types of chemotherapy to protect my throat from the possibility of being blocked by the tumor. But I can’t begin with the treatment unless I gain more weight and look healthier than my frail condition and dismal weight of only 63 pounds now.

August 2007

I had an accident. I was walking towards the door of my room when suddenly it became pitch dark and dropped abruptly on the ceramic tiled cement floor.

I was lucky Allen was already at the gate waiting for Valen to open it. When they got inside, they saw me pale and motionless. Allen became frantic, he shook me and took me in his arms. That was the time I sort of woke up. Allen was nervously asking what happened? Because he saw a lot of blood on the floor, my hair was drenched with blood. I was rushed at the Davao Doctors Hospital. My head was stitched and I was required to undergo CT-Scan and X-ray. Thank God there was no internal injury. I was confined in the hospital for three days for further observation and medications and continued to take antibiotics, etc. for two weeks.

That accident cost us P75,000. Oh, what a life !!! But I can’t complain. God is so good. I never felt pain.

The shadow of death comes lurking from behind. In the midst of darkness, I see a flicker of light. At the break of dawn, a new day comes alive.

Hope soars high and I thank God for the gift of life. The thought of running out of time makes me realize how precious each day is. The shortness of time makes me look at the world in another perspective – good and beautiful. There is so much to life. There is so much to live for. I’m glad I’m still alive.

September 2007

Due to my deteriorating health and continued decrease in weight due to my inability to eat well through my mouth, my oncologist advised me to undergo the operation in my stomach which she was suggesting months ago, so a feeding tube could be inserted and my liquefied osterized food could go directly in my intestines. I had that operation and stayed in the hospital for six days.

February 2008

I’m caught by the eye of life’s storms

And blown at the edge by the howling winds of trials

Battered and tired … how long can I hold on?

I’m battle weary

My mind, body and spirit are being shredded into pieces

I tried to pick-up the shattered pieces of my life but cannot

I want to be whole again but cannot do it on my own

I need God to help me or I’ll fall

I can’t hold on no more

February 02, 2008

For the past weeks, I felt I was not getting any better. I prayed to God begging Him to touch me with His healing grace. Years back, I told myself I’ll be patiently wait for that to happen no matter how long it takes. After my treatment in 2005, God gave me two years of relief – my cancer was in remission. Then, in November 2007 while in the States, I suddenly fell ill. I knew my cancer has recurred.

This time it seems I could not wait any longer. God has to heal me completely now. I am just a human being who can bear only that much. The pain is getting more intense. My head seems to be shredded into pieces. I am broken physically, no matter what I do, I cannot pick-up the pieces and make myself whole again. The discomfort, sufferings and pains are getting so much on the way, and I find it so difficult to hope. Hope should spring eternal. It should never wane.

Though one is so ill and is getting through so much sufferings … though darkness seems to engulf ones being and pulls one down on his kneels, let hope remain.

Oh, how I wish there is someone who is willing to sit by my side to hear the echoes of my heart.

A burden shared is lighter to carry and easier to handle than a burden that is kept in the abyss of ones mind.

February 16, 2008

Pain has been part of my daily existence for over two months now. Oh, if you could only feel what I’m going through each day … I guess you will praise and thank God, much much more for your blessed pain free life.

If I could thank God for each day of pain that comes my way, how much more for all of you who are indeed so lucky?

February 19, 2008

Love for God should always be constant. You should love Him no matter what circumstances you are in. Love Him without conditions. When you are at peace with God, you will be at peace with the world.

February 20, 2008

iHim

Living One Day At A Time

I live one day at a time … can’t go beyond that. And that makes each so precious. I feel so blessed to be alive. And I thank God so much. I tell Him, Lord you are so good. Thank you. I love you.

February 21, 2008

Honesty

With my present condition, I can honestly say that I am blessed and I can only feel so much gratitude to God. You might not believe this, but it’s true. My heart is full of love and gratitude to God. You know why? It’s because I look backward and think of all His blessings … the good, the beautiful and the happy times of my life.

When I look at life, I look at it as a whole and concentrate more on the positive good parts and if possible not dwell much on the negative.

Honestly, life is so beautiful. Everybody could feel the same way as I do, if only one could look backward and not concentrate on the present misfortune which after all is only a fraction of his entire life.

Honestly, the world is still beautiful, and it is nice to be alive.

Honestly, I still love God with all my heart, mind and soul. And my faith, belief and trust in Him has not diminished.

March 30, 2008

I had all the results of my routine medical check-up on my blood, liver and kidney, ultra sound and chest x-ray. Everything is normal and whatever findings they had still conforms with the previous medical results. Thank God for this. Imagine, I was in constant great pain and discomfort in my stomach and back lung area for almost three weeks. I took lots of pain reliever, vomited often … could not lie down in bed.

I was seated, curled in the coach and changed position every now and then just to find a bit of relief. When the pain gets so severe, I cry it out loudly. Crying didn’t help though those trying times were the toughest ones I have ever experienced in my life. I thought I won’t make it anymore. I thought I was going to die.

It was March 28, a Friday, when I went to my doctor’s clinic. I almost did not make it in her clinic that day because I was still experiencing so much pain, was vomiting and was very weak, but I forced myself. Tess and my husband were with me. My doctor prescribed medicines to arrest my present condition and prescribed also new nutritional supplement – “Prosure” in addition to the “Ensure”. The new food supplement is specially formulated for cancer victim who lost weight drastically. It helped me a lot, I feel stronger and have more energy and hopefully will increase my dismal weight of only 63 pounds. My stomach pain is gone. My stomach has calmed down. I could sleep well too each night.

April 01, 2008

Foot Prints On The Sand … came across my mind

God is probably reminding me that I am never alone in my journey. That He is always there for me. That He is my strength and my shield as I battle it out in the field. That He knows all my needs and burden. That he is just nearby watching over me. And when things get so tough, He is there to take over.

God is reminding me that in all those trying times in my life, He carried me that’s why I survived. And it’s the reason why I only see one set of footprints on the sand.

Thank you Lord for carrying me. I know without you, I won’t survive.

Note: Weeks before these thoughts came to my mind, I wrote in a sheet of paper when I was in great pain, “I am alone in this journey now, and the worse thing is, I don’t have a shoulder to lean or cry on nor a hand to hold.”

Jimmy is busy with his job as a sales consultant and travels in and out of the country in Singapore, China, Malaysia, India and Indonesia. And Allen is now based in Singapore because of his job.

April 04, 2008

Today, I finally had my first bowl of boiled bangus belly with “sili” leaves.

I thank God for answering my prayers to please make me eat little by little through my mouth. There’s nothing better than eating through the normal way. For months, I only eat through the feeding tube inserted in my stomach and the liquefied osterized food goes directly in my intestines. Though the procedure curtails hunger and famine, it doesn’t give satisfaction at all because I don’t get to taste the food.

God is so great and good. He is alive. He hears our prayers and answers them in His own time.

April 15, 2008

As I close my eyes to slumber at night, I thank God I’m alive. As I open my eyes and see the rays of sunlight, I thank God for the gift of life. When we gratefully acknowledge God’s gifts to us, He is delighted to keep on giving us more.

April 05, 2008

Oh money why are you so hard to come by?

And once you are in our hands, soon, you’ll bid us goodbye.

Why can’t you stay a while and grow in file?

And make our lives easy and worthwhile?

Money is for spending not for keeping

It’s there to answer our needs that’s why.

Money is for sharing to those in badly need

So, let the money flow when needed and where it’s needed.

Fear not … God will replenish it.

He promised … Money won’t run dry !!!

May 23, 2008

It’s My Birthday

Above all, I thank God for the gift of life and my parents who brought me in this world and reared me with loving care.

My birthday wish is like anybody’s wish … to have many many more birthdays to come plus of course complete healing from cancer, good health, prosperity all through the years, not only for myself but for all my loved ones.

God knows what’s in our mind and hears the echoes of our hearts. And when He sees that we truly appreciate, love, value and enjoy the universe He created for us and recognize Him as the supreme ruler and remain grateful, obedient, loving and faithful to Him, I’m sure He will be pleased to grant our wish.

May 31, 2008

God’s Time Table

“We live on God’s Time Table” flashed in my mind at 2:50 am, dawn, May 27, while on my way to the comfort room. I know it’s God’s message and He wants me to expound on it. Before I went back to sleep, I wrote the topic on a piece of paper, just to make sure I won’t forget.

This morning I’m finally writing about it. Here it is:

God is reminding us that time is not in our hands, it is in His. He alone knows when we should pack up and leave this planet. So, He wants us to be prepared always.

God wants us to remember that He created us for His purpose … that we are part of His Grand Plan and that He made a plan for each of us and sets a time frame.

God wants us to realize that we are just pilgrims on this planet, who are on a brief stop over but with an important mission … an assignment to accomplish.

Knowing the nature of our existence, it is vital for us to get connected with God twenty four hours a day, by beginning and ending each day with prayers and conversation with Him … by obeying His commandments, following His will, doing what He wants us to do, doing what pleases Him.

With God, there is no great or mediocre, big or small tasks. He values every good things we do, for as long as we do them with much passion, love and compassion.

We do not know the exact time, day, month and year of our departure from planet earth. What we know is that we are just passing by and that we have urgent tasks to be done within God’s Time Table.

So, let’s hurry so we can do so much. There are a lot to do. We can talk about God. What He has done to us, his miracles, our personal life’s journey with Him, helping others in need, comforting the sick, etc. There are inexhaustible ways to do or say that will put a smile on God’s face and glorify His name more.

Note: Last May 23, 2008 was my birthday. In my write up I wrote in part “My wish is like anybody’s wish, that is to have many, many more birthdays to come, etc.” and “I hope I still have a long journey, etc.”

I believe God sent me His message to remind us that though we have the privilege to hope, wish, ask and request God for some favors, ultimately, what He wants and plans for us are the ones that must prevail.

So, next time, if what we’re hoping, wishing, asking or requesting from God are left unanswered, let us not feel bitter. Let us just think that God has other better plans for us. Remember it’s His will not ours that must be followed. He is our God. He knows what is best for us.

June 01, 2008

Thank God, I’m Alive

Today, one year after my Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy (IMRT) at Saint Luke’s Cancer Institute in Manila, I’m still alive. Thank God for that.

That treatment at Saint Luke’s which was already my second round of radiotherapy within the span of two years though of different type, is actually my last card. I can’t go beyond it, because it would be very damaging. The other treatment alternative is a second round of another type of chemotherapy. My oncologist Dr. Chita Matunog has long suggested the need last July 2007, but my 66 lbs. body weight was not ready for the treatment. I need to gain more weight and feel healthier. Unfortunately, my health continued to deteriorate. I could hardly eat through my mouth which could open only by one fourth (1/4) of an inch. My weight further went down to 63 lbs. In September, a stomach operation had to be performed. A feeding tube was inserted so my liquefied osterized food could go directly in my intestines. With the help of additional food supplement – “prosure”, prescribed last April, I’m now 75 lbs.

To date, I have not yet undergone chemotherapy. I’m afraid of the side effects that might cause more damage to my nerves, veins, etc., especially in the areas of my eyes, ears, nose, throat, tongue and brain. Meanwhile, I’m buying time. I wish God’s healing grace will fall on me anytime now.

I’m keeping the faith … believing and trusting that God knows what’s best for me.

Hershey … Goodbye

You left without goodbye,

I can’t help but ask why?

You were healthy and strong,

Who would think something would go wrong?

You love to run and play with everyon,

“Catch me if you can.”

Last night you were full of life,

And everything was alright.

In early morn you lay lifeless,

Stiff and oh so cold.

What happened to you cute and chubby

White and light brown colored Chuwawa name Hershey?

You left a mystery … a puzzle

That will never have an answer?

June 27, 2008

Three nights in San Pedro Hospital (June 10, 11, 12). I was hospitalized with a severe infection on the left side of my neck where my cancer is. It started with the reddening of the skin, then, there was swelling of face and neck and severe pain, finally my skin burst.

I was given massive two types of antibiotics, pain killers and anti-acid pills through I.V. By Friday afternoon, June 13, I was back home.

Today, the swelling is receding. I’m still taking my antibiotics which will be until June 21, some pain relievers and anti-acid pills as needed. Tess has to dress my wound twice a day until it dries up. I don’t know how long that would take because with cancer cells the wound will not heal. All I can do now is hold on to my faith and continue to hope and pray for the better.

Note: At home, I take my medicines through the feeding tube.

June 15, 2008

Life is a journey … a drama … a play ….

Scripted by God for us to portray.

In my journey, I portrayed so many roles such as: daughter, college professor, sister, grand daughter, niece cousin, aunt, wife, mother, housewife, teacher, daughter in-law, sister in-law, mother in-law, grandmother, god mother, friend, child of God, boutique proprietor, farm administrator, caregiver, woman stricken with cancer.

But the most demanding role is the one I’m portraying right now. It is a story about a woman caught by the eye of unending life’s storm. Her struggle to survive cancer, her undying faith that one day, God will touch her with His healing grace.

June 19, 2008

Health is wealth. “When health is lost everything is lost.”

Believe in this saying, I am a living proof. With cancer ravishing my health, I’m losing everything. It has affected me physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, socially and financially. It erodes my mind, body and soul.

So much has been taken away from me now. Fifty percent of my hearing capacity – my left ear is totally deaf. I could hardly speak and could hardly be understood. The volume and quality of my voice has greatly diminished. My mouth opening is only one fourth of an inch. I have to be fed through a tube connected in my stomach so that the liquefied osterized food could go direct in my intestine. I’m always dizzy and walks unsteadily. The nerves on my left eye is affected . Actually, I’m just existing, not really living in the real sense because I can’t do much except to sit on the couch day in and day out.

I’m not writing this to scare you but to caution you to guard your health with an eagle eye. And take extra care of your body. Make sure you eat a well balanced diet. Eat lots of live food like fresh fruits and vegetables. Sleep well and never abuse your body like over exhaustion, worry, hurt, anger, smoking, drinking, drug abuse, etc. Take time to relax your mind, body and soul away from the maddening crowd. Drive in the outskirts and enjoy a solitude life watching the sunrise or the sundown, the birds and the bees, the butterflies, the mountain ranges, the trees, the wild flowers, the grass. Listen to the sound of flowing river or watch the roaring waves of the sea. Oh, there are thousands you can enjoy that are given by God for free. Enjoy them while you still can.

Everything must be in moderation. Love yourself. Protect it from harmful elements like chemicals, smoke, etc. I read so many articles pointing to the smoke from cigarettes as the cause of cancer in the nasopharynx of which I was diagnosed. I’ve never tried a single puff of cigarette in my entire life and I grew up from a smoke and alcohol free family household. But I am a victim of second hand smoking for twenty two years. So, here I am suffering extreme pain and discomfort. How I wish every individual will be more responsible to protect the health of others. I failed to protect myself because during that time nothing much was said about second hand smoking. I thought only the “smoker” will suffer. So, what I did was only to remind and remind like a broken record, about the danger of smoking not knowing that is would be worse on me. So next time you see a smoke and it’s not you who is puffing a cigarette, run for your life !!!

At this point, I don’t want to point fingers on anyone. It won’t change anything anymore. I have come to terms with my fate. All I want is peace through prayers, love and forgiveness.

The more we are losing life, the more we want to cling to life because being alive and healthy are the best things in life. It allows us to dream, to hope, to plan, to spread our wings and soar high.

Good luck and good health to everyone !!! Note: The “smoke”, in my case, is only one of the possible causes. There are still a lot of other possible causes … that is why cancer remains a mysterious illness.

June 20, 2008

“We know not the exact time, date, month or year the final curtain will fall. What we only know is that one day, it will surely fall on anyone. Young or old, healthy or sickly, rich or poor, good or bad.”

So, before the final curtain falls, make a list of all the people you owe some kind of gratitude and thank them all.

This is not saying goodbye or what … This is just making sure we remember them. Add more along the way as we continue with our life’s journey.

Gratitude comes from the heart, unless we say or write about them, no one will ever know the echoes of our hearts.

June 23, 2008

Before the final curtain falls … many, many, many thanks to all especially to:

God – For creating a beautiful universe and making me a part of this grand plan. For being my Lord and savior. For all His love, blessings and graces. For being by my side all the time and carrying me when my journey gets too tough. For everything … All glory, praises and thanks are yours my Lord.

Papa – For his sacrifices to make us happy and have an easier life. Writing articles and editorials for his newspaper “The Davao Times” in which he was the publisher and editor, writing speeches for Mayor Porras as part of his job as the City Press Secretary for several years. For all the super delicious food, doughnuts, pilipits, hotcakes, empanadas and the jumbo glass jars guava, santol, etc. jellies and jams he made together with mama. For all the years he brought Betty, Jane and me with him to choose the color and prints of cloth that we want for our Christmas holiday dresses. Three or four cuts each for us. For taking us to the shoe store and choosing the most expensive ones for us. For always taking over in cleaning our mess after meals and doing all the dish washing. I still remember his favorite line – “Leave the dishes to me.” In time, everything is clean and in order including the stove. For all the times he brought me cans of sliced pineapple and peaches whenever I’m not feeling too well and serves it at my bedside.

For all the movie and snack allowances he gave us so we can enjoy and relax. For the imported assorted nuts, marshmallows, prunes, raisins, corned beef, salmon, etc. that he usually buys in bulk especially during christmas and a lot, lot more.

Mama – For being the best mother in the world. For all her love, care and sacrifices to give us a better life and future. For her hard work in the farm. For providing abundant food, fruits and vegetables. For all the super delicious suman (malagkit, cassava, camote, corn, corn meal), puto, bucayo, chocolate and peanut candies, cocoa drinks, cans of boiled camote, corn, gabi and ube jams, jars and jars of jellies and jams she made together with papa, the sesame and sunflower seeds, the popcorns, etc. For all the fruit trees she planted for all of us. For doing almost all the chores just to make things easier for us. For all her dreams and strong determination that all of us will finish college education. For her constant reminder about the value of honesty, hardwork, giving, sharing, helping, loving, strong faith and trust in God, etc. for a lot, lot more.

Jimmy – For all his sacrifices to provide hard earned money for the family. For the numerous time he brought Allen and me with him in his trips to many places where he works like Bukidnon, Cagayan de Oro, Butuan, Gingoog, Camiguin, Iligan, Surigao, Cebu, Dumaguete, Bacolod, Manila, Laguna, Batangas, San Pablo, Pampanga, Pangasinan, Dagupan, One Hundred Islands (Alaminos), Legaspi, Naga, Nueva Ecija, Laoag, Vigan, Baguio, Zamboanga, General Santos, Cotabato, Kidapawan, Lupon, Mati, etc. For watching over me in the hospital when he has time. For preparing my food and feeding when he is around and can’t do it myself. For being himself. Always around when not at work – silent and unaffected by the storms of life. For his unique and Spartan way of showing his loyalty and love for his family. For sticking it out with me, “For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health”. For everything else.

Allen – For all the tears he shed when I was diagnosed with cancer, and battling it out with me like his very own. For all the times he accompanied me for my CT Scan, X-ray, bone scan, ultra sound and other laboratory requirements, consultations, etc. For always by my side when I had my chemotherapy and radiation therapy. For watching over me when I’m admitted in the hospital and when I’m home and was too weak. For all his assurances and deep desire for me to recover. For his prayers and enormous love for me, his dad and his family. For being the best son in the world, etc.

Tess – For being so responsible, wonderful, good, loving and caring daughter in-law. For taking over what I can no longer do for my family. For taking me to the doctor for check-up. For taking me to the hospital, watching and feeding. For preparing my food and feeding me when I’m too weak to do them myself. For dressing my wounds, etc.

Panjee and Josh – For giving me and their grandpa so much joy by being obedient, respectful, good loving, caring, happy and intelligent kids. For their short notes and cards expressing their love for us. For their drawings. For the various times Panjee covered me with blanket to keep me warm and for the medallion she gave me. For the blue rosary that Josh gave me and put it on my neck. For the flowers they gave me. For assisting me when they see me walking, etc.

Boy and Sawanee – For readily agreeing to help me financially when he learned I was very ill and need to have a second round of radiotherapy (IMRT) at Saint Luke’s Cancer Institute in Manila. For the round trip plane tickets he and Sawanee sent us in L.A. so we could spend christmas and new year with them in Forthworth, Texas. For the sight seeing trips to Dallas, San Antonio, San Marcos, etc. For the visit to the Pres. Lyndon Johnson Library Museum. For the wildlife safari tour where we have an up close encounter with the harmless and tamed animals like the giraffe, zebra, etc. who go near us when we stop the car and we get to feed and take pictures of them. For the rodeo parade we watched in Fortworth where we saw hundreds of beautiful horses, cows, goats, etc. For the wonderful time we had with them.

Jane – For her generosity and love for everyone. For offering to buy all my boutique stuff including my refrigerator and karaoke when I closed shop in Angono, Rizal, to go back to Davao. For being always there for us when she was still alive, etc.

Butch and Delia – For their generosity of providing fruits for several months when I was diagnosed with cancer thru Gina. The prayer cards, books, cash, food supplements, etc. For remitting the money from Boy.

Rommel – For his visits and constant assurance that I will get healed. For the various times he brought along Fr. Swamy in the house and in the hospital to pray over me, etc.

Van2 – For watching over me, assisting me when I need to go to the comfort room and keeping me company for two nights in the hospital.

Gina - For bringing me fruits every week without fail for several months.

Grace, Pauline and Paul – For their visits, calls and prayers, juices and chocolate they gave.

Rene – For the 10 hours trips he takes to visit or spend christmas holidays with us in Davao. For the calls he makes to inquire how I was.

Junior – For always being there when we needed him most when he was still alive.

Manang - For her generous ways, etc. when still alive.

Uncle Ben and Auntie Aida – For the tears they shed for me when they saw me seriously ill. For the various visits they made from Tagum to visit me.

To all my cousins (Uncle Ben’s children) – For their visits together with their wives and children – to see me.

Kay - For the goods she sent us, etc.

Malou – For accommodating us in her apartment in L.A. and taking us to L.A. airport when we leave for the Phils. For the dinner we had with Mark at the Chinese, Indonesian, Thai, Indian, Mexican and African restaurants.

Imelda – For inviting us to stay with them. Picking us twice during our arrivals in the U.S.

Tata – For her 14 years of loyal service to us then, again, now. For all the tears she shed for me when she learned I was so ill. For always being there for us, etc.

Silverbell – For visiting me at St. Luke’s and in the hospital here in Davao. For the flowers, card and religious magazine she gave me. For the prayers, etc.

Vicky – For visiting me at Saint Luke’s and also here in Davao.

Minda – For visiting me at Saint Luke’s.

Emon and Gina – For picking Allen and me at the airport in Manila. For visiting us at Saint Luke’s several times. For lending us blankets and bedsheets, etc.

Pinky and John – For taking us to the airport when we left for Davao. For visiting us at Saint Luke’s together with their kids, etc.

Angielette – For visiting us at Saint Luke’s.

Jet and Goying – For accommodating us in their house in Pasig.

Valen – For being there for me at the right time when I needed help the most. For her take charge attitude, efficiency and dedication in serving.

Fr. Swamy – For visiting me at home, in the hospital and praying over me, etc.

Pastora Nemia – For the prayer sessions she had at home before my first round of chemotherapy and radiotherapy

Sis Oping – For the visits she made to see how I was. For the telephone calls to inquire how I was. For the fruits she brought. The banana cake she baked. For her prayers, etc.

Sis Flor – For her visits, telephone calls inquiry how I was. For the prayers, the pray over she did for me.

Sis Flora – For the tears she shed when I told her that the doctor gave me only six months to one year to live should I not go for further treatment at Saint Luke’s.

Sis Lina – For her visits to inquire how I was doing.

Jackie – For her calls and visits to see how I am.

Sis Pat – For her visits to see how I was.

Linda and Vic – For the fruits and bottle of wine they gave us last christmas. For the kiwi fruits pack of Bobs Red Mill, rolled whole oats. For Linda’s inspiring words, etc.

Rose (my sister in-law) – For her visit with Telly and the fruits she brought.

To Elsa, Angel and Lisa – Thank you for being so good and kind. Thank you for everything. Thank you for Tess who is so good to us.

Again, above all, it’s God that comes first. God the Father, God the Son Jesus, God the Holy Spirit, Mother of Jesus Christ, Mother Mary our mother too. For all her intercession, her help, her miracles, etc. The saints also.

Gratitude is a virtue that speaks from the heart, unless we say or write about them, no one will every know the echoes of our heart.”

To my grandson Matthew who lived for only over six months in the womb of her mom. My love for you will go on and on forever. Thank you for being our cute and handsome guardian angel. Your dad, mom, Panjee, Joshua and your grandpa Jimmy love you so much and will remember you forever.

To my sister Juliet who lived for only three days after birth. My thoughts and love will be forever.

All my grandparents, uncles, aunties and the rest of our relatives … my thoughts and love are with you.

To the rest that I failed to mention … just remember that God knows everything. He sees your good deeds, etc.

June 24, 2008

When the final curtain falls, and lights go off … it’s time to take a bow, pack up and bid the world goodbye !!!

June 20, 2008

Reflections About Lucia’s Third Secret of Fatima

I never thought the end time is at our doorsteps before 2010 as revealed by our blessed Virgin Mary to Lucia. Between now, July 2008 to December 2009 is merely eighteen (18) months and this could begin anytime within this time frame.

It is said, “What has been written, shall come to pass”. If that is so, then, let us be prepared. We can start by being grateful to our almighty God the father who created this beautiful universe and chose us to be part of this grand plan for His own purpose, to His son Jesus, our Lord and savior on earth who sacrificed so much and immensely suffered for us so we will be saved and have an everlasting life. To God the Holy Spirit, for dwelling within us, guiding and helping us, to Mother Mary for all her intercessions, help, advices and warning regarding the impending disastrous events to come.

Let us remember them all with much love, gratitude and profuse thanks. Let us heed, believe, repent and do penance and do good to others. Let us change our ways by returning to God and following His commandments.

Let us not waste the good plan of God, His great love and sacrifices for us. Let us be grateful, loving and obedient and good children of God and let all our praises, thanks and prayers be heard up in heaven.

God gave us a perfect beautiful world but because of too much greed and lack of respect for mother nature, we altered and resculptured this world and made it imperfect. That is the reason why we are reaping all these unpleasant disastrous happenings around us. Let us not blame God for these. Instead, let us humbly and regretfully admit that we have transgressed beyond the limits of God’s patience … that let us all fall on our knees and pray for God’s mercy and forgiveness for all our wrong doings and sins. And above all for taking God for granted and even forgetting Him totally.

The time to be home is near. Let us heed and seek refuge under God’s protective wings. There is much time left. It might even be too late now … but then, what is important … we turned to Him and changed our ways. Let us repent with all our might. Let us bring back our faith. Let us believe and trust God. Let us love God with all our heart, mind and soul.

Let us not fear the impending end. Going home is the culmination of our journey. It is a beautiful homecoming when it’s God who is waiting to welcome us up there.

Remember, life is a journey that begins and ends with God. P.S. – Let us not forget to thank all the angels, our guardian angels and the Saints who have been helping us.

June 27, 2008

Cancer is a merciless illness. It is overwhelmingly difficult to handle and bear. It is extremely exhausting, painful and too expensive. The discomfort and suffering are unimaginable especially when one is battling it for a long period of time.

Without strong will to live, one will not survive long enough after being diagnosed. Acceptance of what befalls us and coming to terms with the drastic change in ones life will lead to peace of mind, understanding, patience, faith and love of God for whatever is left of ones life, that eventually evolves into a beautiful relationship with God through prayers and constant communications with Him.

Soon, one become so grateful for the precious gift of life that God gives each day and wish that would never end.

July 01, 2008

With cancer, it is like joining a marathon race giving all to reach the finishing line ahead and win. But just when you thought you are almost there and is going to make it, you are suddenly overtaken and defeated.

Each time I thought I was winning the battle something bad happens. The setback is devastating. The longer the battle, the tougher it becomes. The tougher it becomes the harder it becomes for me to reach the baseline and win.

July 04, 2008

I was at the clinic of my doctor this afternoon. She asked me again if I want and am ready for the second round of chemotherapy which would be given in smaller dose once a week due to the frail condition of my body.

I told her I’ll think it over. The doctor suggested that I discuss it with all members of the family and that the decision should be consensus of all.

Tonight, without consulting any member of my family, I have decided on my own that I will go through it. I don’t want to quit at the height of a raging battle that is almost at its end. The treatment is my last card. After this, I’m left with nothing anymore.

As the saying goes, “The quitter never wins, the winner never quits”.

Actually, it doesn’t matter if I win or loss this battle. For me, what matters is, I did not quit. Only then can I say, I did it all; I gave my all. No regrets.

I will keep my faith in God. Believing and trusting … Loving Him.

July 06, 2008

Fr. Swamy held a mass at our residence at 4:30 pm. He was requested by my very good, kind, loving and so concerned nephew Rommel.

I’m so grateful to Rommel for his thoughtfulness and effort. And to Fr. Swamy for making himself available. I also want to thank Tess for being so supportive … picking up Fr. Swamy and his assistant and taking them back.

In attendance were Jimmy, Tess, Panjee, Joshua, Rommel and me. Above all, I want to thank God for making everything possible. He knows I have not gone to church for a long time due to my condition. I am so blessed God is so good.

Thanks again Fr. Swamy for the solemn mass.

July 17, 2008

Dear Lord Jesus,

I will have my chemotherapy tomorrow. Please be there for me. I need you so much to be by my side to comfort me and shield from the ill effects of the chemo. Please bless the hands of my doctor and the medicines she will administer. Please replace the chemo medicines with thy medicine that will kill all the bad cancerous cells and melt down my tumor and dry up my wounds completely. Please shield my entire body, my good cells, my organs, etc. from harm.

I believe and trust in You my Lord Jesus. You are my God who is so merciful and powerful. Nothing is impossible with you. This cancer is powerless with your healing touch.

Lord Jesus, please touch me with your dealing grace and cure me forever. Thank you Lord Jesus for the gift of life … for everything. I love you,

July 19, 2008

I’m back home from overnight chemo at San Pedro Hospital.

Thank you Lord Jesus for being there with me and shielding me from the side effects of chemo and making it comfortable and easy for me. I’m so grateful for everything. You are indeed a living God who cares so much for everyone. I love you my Lord.

I’m so grateful to Tess for being there all throughout my stay in the hospital. Thank you so much !!!

August 10, 2008

Coping With Life’s Changes

The only thing permanent in this world is change. Everyone must therefore learn the art of coping with change.

I must admit, coping with change is not easy especially when the change is negative, drastic, hard, difficult, painful, ugly, bad, terrible, horrible, irreversible or permanent but there’s a way of overcoming it, and that is by readily accepting change as they come our way without resistance and bitterness.

Take for instance in my case, cancer mercilessly devastated my entire being. It took away almost everything from me inside and out. The worst thing was when my physical attributes were ravished and I was reduced into ugly looking individual.

In this era where almost everybody are enhancing their physical body and looks, to look like the way I am, is not comforting.

I remember months back when I asked that I be accompanied to SM supermarket and was told … “Ano? Sa itsura mong yan gusto mo pang maglakadlakad? Tingnan mo nga yang itsura mo”.

I was too shocked to react – was unable to utter a word and was terribly hurt. But I knew it was the truth. I didn’t insist on going out anymore and took the rather brutal comment with lots of grain of salt. That time, I knew I have lost everything. I was ugly and I accepted that horrible change that was beyond my control.

Instead of dwelling in self-pity, depression and anger, I chose to rise above the bitter situation … I dug deep into my memory lane … searched through the avenues and found pleasant memories that boasted my ego and made me happy.

I found my comfort zone at the time when I was a college instructor at the University of Mindanao when my students and even other people asked me if I was a model before. When my students told me I look like wonder woman when I tied my hair upward and my cheeks were full and my body was well rounded. When I was told I look like this and that actresses. When a taxi driver asked me if I was a Lebanese because he said he was an OFW as a driver in Lebanon and I look like the women in Lebanon. When I was chosen to welcome dignitaries, visitors at the airport, social gatherings, school functions, commencement exercises, etc. When I was an adviser for military corps of sponsors, when I was an adviser for Lambda Sorority. Looking back at all those events, I can say I truly had my time … a wonderful time indeed.

Then, I went through a big box full of blown-up framed photos of myself. It made me feel great seeing myself so full of life, healthy, happy, regal and beautiful. That moment, I can’t help but thank God for all His physical gifts to me that needed no medical intervention.

What I was before is what I’m holding on to right now. That’s the real me because that was a gift from God.

What I am today is just the effect of cancer that ravished my body. That’s not the real me.

August 23, 2008

The Real Me Still Shines

In spite of my unpleasant transformation, the real me still shines.

Truly, God is alive and always with us. He listens when we open our lines and converse with Him. He reads what we write in our journals about our life’s journey. He knows all our concerns and when we are at the edge, He rescues us and uplifts our spirits and gives us comfort.

God has a mysterious way of communicating with us if we acknowledge Him us our God and supreme ruler of this universe and acknowledge all His blessings to us – big or small.

Today, right after my chemo, the attending nurse told me, “Ma’am, ang ganda ganda mo talaga. Kitang kita talaga ang ganda mo hanggang ngayon. Siguro ang ganda mo noong dalaga ka. Siguro ang dami mong suitors, kasi maganda ka talaga at may height pa”.

Honestly, I can’t believe what I heard. What transpired in my mind was that God was communicating with me thru the nurse because I never thought somebody could see beauty in my present condition. That time, I didn’t affirm nor dispute what the nurse said. All I could utter was “nasira na talaga ako ng cancer. Lahat sinira na niya”.

I know God was reaffirming what I wrote that “He blessed me with beautiful gifts that needed no medical intervention”. That I was right when I wrote “What I was before is what I’m holding on to right now. That’s the real me, because that was a gift from God, etc.

God wants to reassure me that despite of life’s changes, I was still beautiful because that was the real me. God wants to tell me that He was happy. I acknowledged His blessings and thank Him. God is so good. I’m so blessed !!!

I love you so much my Lord. Thank you for communicating with me again.

November 12, 2008

Chasing The Wind

My battle with cancer is like chasing the wind. No matter what I do, I just can’t catch up. It goes swiftly and the force is so strong. I stumble several times along the way and when I’m able to stand once more, it’s miles away. The chase is futile. The cycle goes on and on, unless I decide to chase no more.

December 02, 2008

Retreating From The Battle

My battle with cancer is like in real war. When a soldier runs out of ammunition, he retreats.

In my case, I run out of option because of me. My body can’t tolerate further chemotherapy treatment anymore. Now, I have no other recourse but retreat from the battlefield and leave my fate in the hands of God.

God knows what’s in my mind and hears the echoes of my heart. It’s up to Him where He wants to lead me.

December 02, 2008

A Time To Let Go

There is always a time for everything. After combating cancer for over seven years now and not quite succeeded, I think it’s time to let go and embrace the new season with humility and grace … and with a brave heart.

Life is beautiful and it’s great to be alive despite the circumstances. If I have my way, I want to battle it out till the very end but there are things that are beyond my control. I just have to accept and let go. It’s time to go with the current and not against it, and be wherever it will take me.

July 03, 2009

My God And I Continue My Life’s Journey

Dec. 02, 2008 my chemo treatment came to an end. From that day on there will be no more radiotherapy nor chemotherapy for me. They can’t be done anymore. The side effect will be very devastating.

In June 01, 2007, right after my last radiotherapy treatment at St. Luke’s Cancer Institute in Manila, I parted with my oncologist telling me “You did your best, I did my best, now it is up to God to do the rest.” And when I was through with my last chemo treatment last December 02, 2008, my oncologist simply told me “We will just observe, observe”.

Actually before I began with my second round of treatment, my two oncologists told me this treatment is without guarantee or promises. We’ll just see how it will go.

With no more medical options left after Dec. 02, 2008, I ask God to take over the driver’s seat.

Now, it is God and me who continue the last phase of my journey. Though this journey is the most difficult one for me, I fear not of anything because I am with the “best” in everything. I fear nothing and I feel so safe under the wings of God. He is my fortress, my shield and my rock. I know when I get too weak and weary, God is there to catch me should I fall. With God by my side, I am safe.

My faith, trust and belief in my God will go on and on forever and my love for Him will never wane.

July 04, 2009

Life is a journey that has to end on God’s timetable one day.

So, when the final curtain falls, it’s time to pack up and bid this world goodbye.

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